However, I hate change. Hate it with a capital H.
Which is probably why God has to gently prod me a billion times, it seems, before I “get” the path He is asking me to travel.

So.. I am sitting here mourning the loss of my faithful readers over at that site, mourning the times I stayed up late writing heartfelt pieces about my sweet family, mourning the end of an era.

Yes, I hear you. I am a middle child. And yes, I am dramatic.
And yes, I know that I just imported all of those blog posts over here, and all of those faithful readers.. I think they total about 5.. can just hop on over here to read about my life, being the wife of a pastor, photographing beautiful San Diego families, my walk with Jesus, and the like.
I am sure by the end of this post, I will be ok with it.

One can only hope.

Again with the drama. What can I say? Drama was my coping mechanism.. it was how I got heard in an 8 person family. I was stuck growing up between a tomboy sister, and an older brother.. Not to mention the 3 older siblings who were already married/leaving for college/high school while I was in elementary school.
Speaking of elementary school.. wasn’t kindergarten grand?? Nap time, and fun stories, and snack time. And I especially loved the little pretend kitchen we had in our classroom. Oohh.. and we had a crayon melting station too.. So.Much.Fun! And super, super dangerous for a 5 year old. But little me didn’t care about that. I just wanted to make a butterfly with melted crayons, people!

It all goes downhill from there, school wise. Amen? They tricked us into thinking school was always like that.. for shame!

I digress. As usual.

Basically, I’m bitter that I had to suffer through Thundercats/G.I.Joe/He-Man instead of Jem. As a middle child, I’m scarred for life. Although She-Ra somewhat redeemed the likeability of He-Man (the show). It still wasn’t Jem…My sad sad 8 year old self.. Unable to sing along with Jem. She of her fabulous holographic friends, and pink eye makeup. She with her pink hair. I am absolutely positive that I requested dressing up like Jem once upon a Hallow’s eve. That would prove to be quite difficult since our family’s Halloween celebrations were called ” The Harvest Festival” and the only acceptable attire was western wear. Jem was so so not invited.

I might just have to have a Jem birthday party one of these days.

Welcome to my world of random, where telling you one thing led to a trip down memory lane. I love memory lane. So much good material for a blog. Change your RSS feed readers of mine. I’m bringing the whole shebang over here.

With love,
Sarah

– My daughter lip synching to Coldplay, with a crazy face to make me laugh. She knows every single word, but won’t sing it out loud.

– My son in his full gear for his first league football practice. He looks so grown up, yet so…not… I can’t even describe it to you fully. I still have yet to take his 11 year old portraits.. Ack! Gotta get on that!!

– Green Iced Tea. Only Tazo Zen will do.

– Crispy, chilled, fresh from the fridge watermelon. God did a good thing when He created this treat.

– Breaking Free by Beth Moore. The most phenomenal bible study I have ever gone through. God is rocking my world.

– A completely booked August session wise. I don’t even know how that happened, but I am sure a grateful girl.

– My husband’s happiness that football is back on. What? You missed the hall of fame game? Shame on you!

– Good friends that share their glorious swimming pools with us. My daughter is a fish, and needs swim time. Bless you friends for your hospitality!!
I love sun kissed rosy cheeks. It is a testament to a fun day of sun.

– Sugar Free Frozen yogurt and good chats with our best neighbors. All around the fire pit. Yes, and Amen.

– Good deals on uniforms for my children… This actually hasn’t happened yet. I’m just putting it down here as a request.

That is what I have on my mind right now. I am hoping your summer is relaxing and full of sunny fun. And here is a quick iPhone snap of Little Miss being brave and jumping into a very deep pool. I heart this picture.

Happy Summer!!!

I love natural beauty products. Products that have easily understood ingredients, like coconut oil, or sweet almond oil, or poppy seeds. Things I know won’t seep into my skin and cause all sorts of maladies. And I have looked far and wide for these products. Some work, and some don’t. I thought I would start some blog posts that will include my faves, and the ones I would never buy again.

So, enter my quest for a natural facial scrub. My requirements? It needs to be gentle enough to use everyday, with enough scrubbing power so that I notice the difference.

I have tried that apricot one.. too many funny additives.
I have tried Oil of Olay’s micro scrub and that made my skin look like I had burned it.
I have made my own, and it was natural, but not convienent for me to use daily.

Along comes a glowing recommendation for Burt Bee’s Citrus Facial Scrub. I was a tad skeptical, but I love most of Burt’s Bees products, so I decided to give it a go.

(Sorry for the small photo.. failed to take a pic of mine before I used it)

The Deets –
$7.99 for a 2 oz. jar.
99.94% Natural
Made with ground almonds, pecans, and a blend of orange and almond oils.

My Thoughts –
I have been using this product for almost 3 weeks straight. My skin feels amazing. A very small amount of product is needed per use, so I am guessing this will last me about 2 months, given what I have already used. The smell.. oh the smell…Think Pumpkin Spice Latte or Cinnamon-y Chai. Delish!

Side note…If a facial product doesn’t smell good, I am going to have a hard time using it. Please don’t make me tell you about the horrific smell of Neem Oil.. Please. I still have nightmares from that sulphuric stank.

Anyway, this product is great. I would recommend it to any friend. It did not dry out my skin, or make me break out. Yay!! So, I say, you should go to your local health food store and pick up a jar.

Stay tuned for more reviews. Burt’s Bees Lemon Poppy Seed cleanser. Bare Escentuals. BeautiControl. I’ve got beauty reviews planned yo!

Feel free to leave some comments if you have tried a natural product that you love!! I would love to hear about it.

These are the moments I am just over-joyed for. I don’t want to miss a second of it. I don’t want to be so caught up in other’s drama that I lose out on what is most important. This is why I have made the decision to deactivate my personal Facebook account. The decision was made a few weeks ago, but the unpleasant conversations I had over the past week nudged the date up some. I still have a public photography page, but I don’t have access to any friends or family.. on purpose. No walls to read, no news feeds to pour over, no unnecessary drama to wrap my feelings around.
Now.. this is not an easy decision for me to make. I’m a sanguine. I love being involved in people’s life. I love knowing what’s going on. I love people. And my huge fear in this has been that I will lose touch with a ton of people that I adore…But, God has made it clear that I’m not going to be able to sacrifice my emotional health for online connection. Huge fear or not.. And so, it has been done.
Healthy, real live person connection is what I am striving for. Actually drinking a cup of tea with a person across the table. Watching Bacherlorette with the bff’s. Visiting. Talking. Laughing. Living. Facebook is not bad.. it’s just bad for me right now. I’m not strong enough to withstand it. Forgive me.
I hope you will find my public page and we can interact on there. I do have a cell phone. An email account. An address. I’m not gone.. it will just take a little more effort to find out how I’m doing, and the same can be said of me finding out how you are doing. Please don’t stop telling me how you are.. I want to know.

And now, I must run. Bacherlorette is on and the girls are waiting to watch it.

In the words of Sheri O’Teri as a Spartan cheerleader.. “Call Me!”

Isn’t that so so true?

I am sitting here, listening to the quiet hum of the air conditioner. My desk is a mess. There is a book on the dangers of MSG I have yet to crack open. There are papers scattered about. My daughter left her tiny white bowl here instead of placing in the sink. She is easily distracted.. much like her mamma. The bowl has little dots of blue, red, and yellow from her handful of m&m’s she was blessed with for dessert.

Sidenote… I’m a big proponent of little treats a couple of times a week. My children are happily satisfied with 20 dark chocolate chips, or the rare handful of m&m’s. May it always, always be so.

I don’t have a huge theme for this post. I was simply overwhelmed with much love for my sweet, ordinary, wonderful family. I have thoughts such as these all the time, and figured I should “pen” them lest I forget.

Thoughts like..

My pre-teen boy-man.. who is the most handsome thing I have seen. His heart is so tender.. I am already afraid of what I shall have to restrain myself from if some girl dare to break it. On the flip side, helping him not become a heartbreaker himself will be a worthy goal. Loving the fact that after a delish BBQ Chicken Salad dinner, he wanted to go play on the elliptical for 20 minutes. Loving even more that he still thinks it’s playtime, and not mandatory.

My “8 year old going on 13″ sassypants of a daughter, who also has a sweet tender little heart. I fear even more what I shall do to the boy who chooses to casually play with that fragile precious thing. Sometimes (read multiple times a day) her tenderness gets buried under a loud voiced tyrant.. Yay… Jesus obviously knew I needed to pray more.. thus He blessed me with her. Oh what He has taught me. Love that she came home from school and put on one of her fancy dresses to get ready for a concert. She wrote her own song, put on her heels, and was too adorable for words. She is quite shy, so the fact that she feels comfortable enough to do that warms me.

My hubs, who is so stressed right now. Who melts me when he gets a certain tiny smile on his face. It’s the smile that makes him look about 5, and I just want to hug his neck off when I see it. He is all man though, so he might not be too thrilled I feel that way… Loving that he loves my super healthy chocolate pb banana smoothies and requests one nightly. (Recipe to follow)

Please don’t mis-read. We here at the Tolson house have had more ups and downs in our 12+ years as a family unit that I would care to explain. In fact, we are in a down moment as I type. But, I am still choosing to be grateful for the great things. God’s blessings can still be found, they are just harder to locate sometimes.

So, that is this day. Thanks for letting me share a little of it with you.

How was your day?

Chocolate PB Banana Smoothie

1 cup of Ice
1 cup of milk (we use rice milk)
2 tablespoons Organic Natural Peanut Butter
1-2 Ripe Bananas (depending on how banana-y you like it)
2 tablespoons Organic Dark Unsweetened Cocoa Powder
Dash of Stevia (optional)

That’s it.. pop in a blender and blend until smooth. I came up with this as an alternative to the highly caloric Jamba Juice Chocolate PB Smoothie.

Yes, it would be so much quicker and faster if I just did it myself. Yes, I cringe on the inside as he spills a bit of our expensive grass fed beef from too vigorous a stirring. I try not to react. He is far more important than 50 cents worth of meat, I tell myself.

Of course he is.

That’s not even a question, but on long days when my head is pounding, I easily forget these truths. Thank God for His precious reminders. However, when both of my kiddos want to help, and they start bickering over who has gotten more stir time at the stove.. I am unfortunately not so gracious. I am fully admitting that I am a work in progress.

Thankfully, today Miss H decided to watch some Spongebob. Praise the Lord.

I really try to soak in these moments because they are so very fleeting. My son is entering middle school next year.

WHAT??

Yeah, don’t even get me started. I am a 33 year old woman who still feels like an 11 year old chubby girl entering middle school myself.
You don’t? Maybe it’s just me.

Anyway.. feeling like that, how can I possibly have a soon to be middle schooler? And how can I possibly pass up any and every opportunity to spend some quality time with this boy-man, who will be taller than me shortly. With his Justin Bieber hair and gray blue eyes and the world’s most gorgeous smile I can’t… and so we cook and stir and make messes.

And why do I love Traders? Reason #453…Because they make fixing Taco Salad a snap. Their new Taco Seasoning mix is gluten free (whoo hoo) and MSG free (yay), oh and a whopping .79 cents.

Word of Caution… It is a bit spicy. I added the whole packet to 1 pound of grass fed ground beef (another great deal at Traders!) and it was a bit much for my sensitive tongue-d daughter.

It’s ok. She drank 2 bottles of water during her meal. She’s perfectly fine.

(Next time, I will only add 1/2 a packet and see if that helps.)

Trader’s is great. Cooking with your kiddos does all sorts of good things with their little souls. And, after the mess is cleaned up, I think my soul is refreshed as well. In fact, I know it is.

What are you cooking?

She leaves constant reminders of her presence in our home.

Her purple butterfly hair pretty.

The red nail polish she spilled on our patio.

Her pink and black and white bedroom that will.not.stay.clean.

Her latest recipe concoction in our fridge.

The pink Barbie backpack that she packed to leave home. (She decided she needed her DS, some Clementines, and a orange blanket.)

Her purple lipgloss and blue eyeshadow smears she just so happens to leave all over the walls.

Her hot pink wire glasses that she forgets to wear constantly.

She is my heart. I was over the moon when I was told we were having a girl. I just thought life couldn’t get more perfect. A husband. A boy. And then a girl. And then the dog.

Of course, in the 8 years between the girl and the dog, God had to do some mighty changes in this depraved heart of mine. (Another post for another day)

She absolutely drives me nuts. I never yelled at my children until Miss H turned 2. For reals yo. She brings out the best in me and the very very worst. I know exactly why God gave this precious squish to me. So, I could learn to love better. And, oh, how I am trying. How I am trying!

I see sweetness and sass every single time I look at her. I see beautiful blue eyes that can twinkle with laughter, shoot daggers, or pool with unshed tears. Right now, she is painting her fingernails a brilliant shade of Tiffany box blue. It is called “For Audrey”, and yes, when the time is right, she will watch Breakfast at Tiffany’s with me. And maybe sing Moon River.. but that’s a long shot. My entire family rolls their eyes when I break into song.

I can’t help it though.. It’s just who I am.

And who she is?? Pink and squish and all girl all the time. She wants to be a vet and a hairstylist and a mom. She still hasn’t learned how to do a cartwheel and cries every time she sees someone else do one. She doesn’t like to pray aloud at bedtime, but begs to do so at dinnertime. She is learning how beautiful God thinks she is and I pray she will never ever forget. She is learning to stand up to mean girls at school and becoming a young lady of courage.

Like I said.. she has my heart. And how could she not?

Finally.. a few of Miss H’s 8 year portraits.

And oh, how I have many of them. So very many.

If you read this blog, you will know that I undertook a 3 week social media fast. I honestly didn’t think it took up that much of my time. But what I discovered was something even more interesting/concerning. The few hours a day I spent on social media wasn’t the only time it took up space in my brain. My eyes were opened to just how much this comparison to others was affecting me.. and how, long after I was off the computer, my brain gave room to those destructive thoughts.

The I’m never going to be good enough thoughts..
The I can’t do what they do thoughts..
The I should really just give this up thoughts..
The what if I fail thoughts..

These thoughts can be related to photography, as that is the majority of twitter-ers I follow. But of course my role as a homemaker is not immune to those thoughts. Nor my role as a child of God.

See, God is good. And He knows me so well.. better than I know my own self. He knew what my thoughts were doing. He is the One who prompted the break. And during that break, I was able to fill my brain space with His truth.

I am Sarah.. the one He fearfully planned and wonderfully created.
I am a flawed human who is being redeemed by His love every day.
I love babies and light and sparkly eyes and photography.
I am good at what I do.
I have much to learn.
I am loved.

These are the thoughts that will be taking center stage. Truth. God’s thoughts about me. How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God.

And if I find myself becoming consumed again by what the world might think of me?? Back to the fast I will go. Our lives here are but a breath. And because of this fast, I can’t stand the thought of wasting one spare second on what another photographer/wife/mom/child of God/person might be thinking. Learning and growing and discovering from others is a wonderful thing, and that I will continue. Comparing and criticizing and judging myself is not and that will stop.

I might be the only one who struggles with this, but just in case I’m not, I am putting this here for all to see. There is a verse from a song by Francessa Battistelli that I will leave you with..

“Don’t take much for this crazy world to rob me of my peace.
And the enemy of my soul says You’re holding out on me.
So I stand here lifting empty hands for you to fill me up again..”

I allowed social media to rob me of my peace. Are you??

With lots and lots of love.. Sarah.

Here are a few Happy’s and Sad’s that have been happening lately –

Sad’s-

*Mean girls. Go here to see what I am talking about.
*Hormones. And, really, do I need to expound on this?? My poor husband looked a bit scared yesterday when I went crazy in the car. I needed lots of Jesus time to get me through. I mean lots…
*Thinking about my life in terms of 140 characters or less. I have had so many good ones to share with you all, but I couldn’t. Oh well.
*Porcelain Tile floors.. beautiful to look at.. a bear and a half to sweep every day. Did I mention that we have tile throughout our entire house? I’m talking even the bedrooms. Get me a broom, paint me green, and call me Elphaba, because that is what I do everyday. Maybe I will turn it into a Happy and sing Defying Gravity whilst I sweep…
*Having to explain to my little Miss why she can’t have gluten for the umpteenth time, only to have her declare in a very loud voice that She. Will. Be. Eating. Gluten. When. She. Turns. 18. Hahaha.. I do love her so. I guess that is the magic age where everything I have taught her flies out of the window.. Non-Gluten goods, bikinis, the evils of sugar all free for the taking.. Dear Jesus, I hope not.

Ok.. let’s get Happy, shall we??
*The hubs going out and getting me one small bag of peanut butter m&m’s… I do love HIM so… and only crave those suckers once a month. (See second Sad post above)
*Naps. The end.
*Good books. (I will be compiling a list of my fave reads very soon.. stay tuned!)
*Beth Moore’s bible teaching. AMEN!!! That woman brings it every time, and I have so so needed to hear it.
*My sisa, sushi, and Sally’s Beauty Supply.. I mean, how could that not be a happy?

Ok, my people. I will be back bright and early Monday morning to give you the run down of what’s been going on. I’m so excited y’all!!

7th grade. Chubby girl. First chair flute player. Thick straight frizzy hair with a wall of bangs that I made my mom perm every 6 weeks thankyouverymuch. I had such a poof on the top of my head.. girl, I was a mess. Needless to say, I was a walking target for meanies.

However, I was put into Weight Watchers at age 11, (oh, trust me.. I’m in therapy for that!) grew a few inches and over one summer became the skinny popular 8th grader. My bangs had grown out a bit, and I replaced flute with drama club. I even was class speaker at graduation.

Yep.. I peaked in the 8th grade. True story.

Sad sad sad true story.

High school was even sadder than 7th grade. My weight came back on with a venegance and I returned to the social suicide that was “Organized School Music Programs” only this time it was show choir. I mean, I could not get any hotter my people.

Debbie Downer moment, if I may.. I believe this is one of the moments when I realized that, in this twisted culture of ours, if skinny=good, then chubby=bad. Math was not my forte, but that was one simple equation I could figure out. Oh, how I desperately wish I could go back to that sweet little 15 year old and tell her a few things.

Why the outpouring of emotions tonight on my unsuspecting blog?? Well, for one, I am in the full throes of pms. Yay! TMI?? Secondly, my sweet squishy 8 year old daughter is dealing with a mean girl of her own. And boy, I have never wanted to pick a fight with a mean girl more than I do right now, even if she is only 9.

The short of it.. this little girl has been harassing my little girl for almost 2 years, off and on. We have constantly tried to encourage our bubba to stand up for herself in hopes we can teach her some life lessons about how life is hard, Love is the answer.. blah blah blah.. and up until this point, it was mostly playground hierarchy.

However, when said mean girl gets an entire table of 2nd graders to make fun of my daughter over her lunch contents? And my daughter comes home telling me an entire table accused her of passing gas because she was eating a smelley hard boiled egg?? And she doesn’t want to eat eggs ever again?? And mean girl told people at the table to smell my daughter’s booty?? Umm.. Mamma Bear (and Papa Bear for that matter) are. on. it. On it!

I hate…HATE…that my lovebug has to suffer this inevitable? girlhood tragedy this young.

I implore you to tell your sweet things they are precious and loved and safe.

And that the God of the universe finds them beautiful and captivating.

And He is simply thrilled over them, and has been since the day He created them.

I am absolutely positive of this fact.. if every girl knew these things without a doubt, our world would change radically. I know my world would have been vastly different had I understood that a little earlier.

Please.. let’s do our part to stop the meaness.